Port of Miami

Rick Ross
Port of Miami
Def Jam, 2006

For Fans of: cocaine, rhymes about cocaine, CSI Miami, Miami Vice, ironic hipster beards, rappers who keep it simple, stupid.

This year, the Onion voted Kevin Federline's debut as the Least Essential Album of 2006. I've heard snippets of it, and let me assure you, it sucks ass. The production is ok, but the rapping is just embarrassing.

K-Fed is not the only one dropping lead bombs though. Rick Ross is almost as horrendous on his debut "Port of Miami", and that fucker has sold a bajillion copies.

The basic premise of Mr. Ross is this: He is a major drug dealer, and he is very wealthy and sexy. He likes to have intercourse and become intoxicated on expensive alcohol and marijuana. Basically the same MO as 90% of rappers out there, right? The production is pretty standard, as well - vaguely 80's synths, soul crooners backing him up, intros in which he introduces himself and the production team.

Ok, so whatever. His subject matter is morally bankrupt and as uninspired as his production. That doesn't make him any different than a lot of people out there, and doesn't automatically make him bullshit. The problem with Rick Ross is that he doesn't follow hip-hop rule number 1 - it's not what you say but how you say it.

Ross also needs to get his ass a rhyming dictionary, and someone needs to explain to him that while it is true that every word is a perfect rhyme with itself, you can't really get away with that. He certainly tries, like in his smash "Husltin":

"It's time to spend my thrills, custom spinnin' wheels
I ain't drove in a week them bitches spinnin' still
Talk about me because these suckers scared to talk about me
Killers talkin' bout me, it ain't no talk about me
It ain't no walkin' 'round me, see all these killers 'round me
Lot of drug dealin' 'round me goin' down in Dade County
Don't tote no twenty-twos, Magnum cost me twenty-two
Sat it on them twenty-twos, birds go for twenty-two
Lil' mama super thick, she say she twenty-two
She seen them twenty-twos, we in room two twenty-two
I touch work like I'm convertible Burt
I got distribution so I'm convertin' the work
In the M-I-A-YO them niggaz rich off that YAYO
Steady slangin' YAYO, my Chevy bangin' Yayo"

So basically, he was like. "what rhymes with twenty-two…? Oh! I know! Twenty-two! Now, what else rhymes with twenty-two…? Hey! Twenty-two! Ok, so what rhymes with yayo? OH! Yayo! Sweet! Cut the track, lets go sip some crystal and smoke a blunt."

In his jiggy/play anthem Get Away, he raps :

"rick ross ima real nigga,u can feel the realness when i deal wit ya,baby i wont lie to ya,im to honest i promise i wont lie to ya,that otha bitch finished wit,
ur the 1 im having dinner wit, and its candlelit can u handle it,cuz i can handle it,so lets handle it"

This right before the chorus, which is:
"when can we get away and enjoy each other, get away and explore each other
all i wanna know is when can we get away and exchange our feelings, keep it poppin like a movie screening, i only wanna get away"

Exchange our feelings? Riiiight.

Anyways, before everyone starts snickering at bullshit like K-Fed, they best take a look at their own record collections. Rick Ross my ass. Jeezus.

Oh, and also he bragged that he needs to pull in ten million a year just to exist, and it aint coming from records, wink wink. If it's true that he's a big mac dealer, he's in for a world of hurt from the DEA. It's more likely that he is a broke ass livingbeyone his means. His bankcruptcy sale is gonna be hi-larious. Go get a savings account and start living within your means, mack daddy.
-pst