Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains is a 1981 film directed by Lou Adler about a female punk trio called the Stains who become a cult sensation amongst the teen set with their skunk hairdos, see-through blouses, and attitude. Their motto is "We're the Stains, and we don't put out," and they call out the audience on the bullshit of life in the stifling suburbs. Musically, the Stains are primitive at best, and though I never heard of this film until it was released on DVD this year, I can't help but think that the Riot Grrrls of the early 90s must have seen this movie. There is a lot of Stains in early Bratmobile and Bikini Kill. The movie is a remarkably clear look at adolescent dissatisfaction, and then-17-year-old Diane Lane does an amazing job as the disaffected lead singer. She is full of attitude and anger, and is the ultimate cool female antihero. She's a badass, and commands respect. Despite the fact that she spends most of the movie in tights and a see-through blouse, she isn't a sex object. Yes, she sleeps with the lead singer of the band they tour with, but on her terms, and she uses them to her advantage. She approaches him as an equal, not a groupie.

In the movie, they tour with a band called the Looters, comprised of Steve Jones and Paul Cook of the Sex Pistols, Paul Simonon of the Clash, and actor Ray Winstone on vocals. Cook and Jones wrote the music for the movie, which is convincing British punk, and actually kinda good:

Paul Simonon was always one of the coolest looking punks, what his sort of James Dean meets Elvis but with safety pins thing, and Steve Jones is a killer guitarist. I was way into the Sex Pistols when I was 13, but it was only when I was in my 20s that I came to appreciate just how solid his riffs were. The Pistols weren't the best punk band, but they were an amazing rock band. Cook and Jones had, at this point, done a few songs as Here We Go Again for soundtrack to The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle. A horrible movie by the way, which represents the very worst of what the Pistols were all about, namely Malcom MacLaren and his faux rebellion and massive ego. The documentary The Filth and the Fury is a much more important document of the Pistols. I'd recommend avoiding anything they've done since then. Johnny has been milking his dickhole personality for thirty-three years, and it's high time he move on. It's just embarrassing seeing him shilling himself now.

The girls go on to steal the Looters big song "We're the Professionals" for themselves, playing it to a mall full of skunks:


The movie ends with the Stains resurrecting themselves as a new wave band, complete with a video for "We're the Professionals."


It's totally dead on, and reminded me of the early videos of the Go-Go's, who had a similar trajectory of crumby punk band turned successful new wave act.

I loved this movie, and my only regret was that I didn't see it twenty years ago. I think it would have meant a lot more to me as a 13-year-old than as a 33-year-old. It's a much better punk movie than, say, Suburbia, in that it seems like it was made by someone who actually cared about punk culture. Lou Adler also directed Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke, which had the Germs in it, so I guess he knew his shit.